Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Mini Review (Spoiler Free) WHY?


Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. I refuse to call it Salazars Revenge because that’s just stupid. But it doesn’t matter because this film is quite shit. Johnny Depp. How can the reason the franchise has become such a success become the reason why I hate this film. Captain Jack Sparrow is one of the greatest heroes in film history and a childhood icon for myself. I grew up alongside Captain Jack and to see him like he is in this just pisses me off. People complain about how he is just stupid in films 2 – 4 but I disagree with that. Here however, I agree wholeheartedly. It’s not just Depp though (though he is the stand out), the entire cast isn’t good. And the film has a good cast! Geoffrey Rush. Javier Bardemn. They are bad in this film. What happened to Barbossa? He used to be so fucking cool. Damn. And whoever played Henry shouldn’t have played Henry. I am very hard to please when it comes to visual effects, CGI or anything in that area. That goes to say I appreciate good visuals when I see them. Dead Mans Chest and At Worlds End have some of the best visuals I’ve ever seen. Dead Men Tell No Tales… they’re shocking. Captain Jack in the previous films was always a good laugh but was never too silly (to me) and could always hold his own. Here he is a stupid comedy character. He had swagger and wit which is what made him cool and funny. They’ve swapped that for him falling over everything and him screaming at everything like nothing I’ve ever heard before. None of the jokes land. It’s not funny. The others are though and it makes me sad that most people don’t like them. There could have been so much emotional pay off at the end in two particular scenes if they did the film right. Unfortunately, as you’ve probably guessed by now, they didn’t. There isn’t even a good ol’ sword fight. How? THIS IS PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN FFS! WORST ONE YET! WORST ONE EVER… I hope.


Without Hans Zimmer the score falls flat and is only any good when his recognisable themes resurface i some way. He’s A Pirate is still one of the greatest compositions ever. The set pieces (while grand) are lifeless. Why is Paul McCartney my favourite part of this film? Barbossa has always been a standout and out of the main characters in this film, he is my favourite. The film made me hate Captain Jack Sparrow, something nothing has been able to make me do before. He’s an asshole now. And the end credits scene… fuck right off.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tails – 1.5/5

Worst film so far this year. And this is coming from a fan of the previous 4. I really don’t understand how people are saying this is the best one since the first. I think the first two are fantastic, the third is good, and the fourth is fine. But this one. This is just awful.

Please tell me your opinion (it means a lot) and share with friends to see what they think. Thank you! 


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